Blog
Are your children socially confident?
A happy New Year to all parents! What a start to the year with schools closed and everyone snowed in; except us – we seem to be the only place in the UK without snow. There is a little piece of the UK from Ringwood to Bournemouth that has somehow missed the weather and we are in it! Disappointing for the children to have the freezing cold without the snow but that’s the way it is.
So yesterday we braved the cold and the ice and went half way to Bournemouth to a shopping centre to get a few bits and pieces. We stopped for a hot chocolate, as you do, only to find that all the people who were at the shopping centre had the same idea and there were no tables apart from a table for four with one lady sitting at it reading a book. (Yes, I do find that very annoying!) Anyway, I got into the queue and asked the children to go and ask the lady if we could share her table, or at the very least ask if we could take the chairs to a table with no chairs. Would they do it? Absolutely not. During the ten minutes in the queue we missed about 4 tables because they didn’t want to ask anyone anything!
Of course we teach our children to avoid talking to strangers and I’m sure that contributes to their reticence, but there comes a time when they need to be able to confidently and politely speak to a stranger in a safe environment like a coffee shop, with their mother standing six feet away. The irony is that Tim (husband) and I are currently completing writing a book on social confidence for adults. Yesterday reminded me just how important it is to teach our children social confidence too.
What I need to do, as always, is find out what stopped them from wanting to make requests of strangers. Again, as always, they know how to ask questions and be polite, so what is stopping them in the moment? How were they thinking about themselves and others that led to them feeling less than confident? When I know the answer to that – only then can I help them to think differently.
Here’s what he had to say……
Happy Christmas to All!
We subscribe to “laughter is the best medicine” – so please take a minute to look at our Christmas message to you from our family!
When confidence turns into arrogance
I had a somewhat depressing experience yesterday. I was invited to a mixed Public School to run a session on preparing for Oxbridge interviews. I was really looking forward to it and the member of staff who invited me was excited about giving his pupils something extra that most school pu;pils are not taught. So I ran a session on overcoming anxiety and understanding how our beliefs affect our behaviour so that they became more aware of themselves and the way they communicate.
I am happy to say that the majority of students (about 40 young men and women) found it very interesting and useful and asked great questions. They were polite and engaging and were clearly going to practise what I had taught them.
But there were a few, interestingly only young men, who behaved in such a way that I can only guess that they either have so little awareness that they don’t realise how others see them or they have such high opinions of themselves that even basic manners are not necessary for them.
One young man in the group sat with his feet up on the back of the chair in front of him with a newspaper on his lap which he read or glanced at for much of the time I was there. It was obvious that I could see him doing it as, indeed could his tutor. I don’t care if I was taking a session on “watching paint dry”, his behaviour was simply rude. What exactly made him think it was ok?
I met a lot of very arrogant young men who were at Public School when I was at school, but that was in the early 80’s and we were all given the message that we were in the top 1% of the country and therefore could do anything. Well – life isn’t like that and the world does not owe anyone a living.
I really thought private education had moved on and, although clearly privileged, that sort of arrogance wasn’t as prevalent now. The teacher and I talked about it at length. He too found it an uphill struggle to help some of these young people find the balance between confidence and arrogance. It begins at home with learning good manners and being polite to whoever is infront of you.
The irony of course is that Oxbridge interviewers are looking for teachability, enthusiasm and openness to learning. Arrogance isn’t on their list.
Words and their (very funny) interpretation
I just had to share this with you. I was sent these recently by a friend, and not only are they laugh out loud funny, they are also a very good illustration of what I am always banging on about. By the way, my 10 year old said, “what’s so funny; that’s just what I would have done”. The moral of the tale is be careful what you are asking for!!
What's wrong with that Mummy?
My personal favourite!
“Parenting is about a relationship not a set of instructions”
“Parenting is about a relationship, not a set of instructions”. I read this statement on Twitter a few days ago and realised how much it resonated with me. A great parent is one who has a great relationship with their child. How do we know when we have a great relationship? Of course, everyone will have their unique answer to that. For me – my evidence that I have a great relationship is when my children talk to me voluntarily about things that are bothering them, about friendships and friendships issues, about what they really feel about events in their lives; and that they trust me to give them support and advice even when they know they may get into trouble for telling me. Friends say to me, “Aren’t you lucky that they tell you things?” But you know – it’s not just luck; I work very hard at my relationships with them – at talking to them, trying to understand them. I tell you what is lucky though; I feel amazingly lucky to have had the working background that I have so that I am ABLE to relate to them in the way that I do.
What is your version of the relationship you want with your children? One way to think differently about this whole thing is to consider the word “relationship”. We talk about relationships as if they are not only static but also are separate from us – like an entity all of their own. A relationship. It’s not a thing is it? It is a process – the process of relating to another person, in this case your child. It is a dynamic process too – that is; ever changing. What we say one day to our growing child will be fine one day and not the next. Crikey it’s hard enough sometimes with adults, without the added dynamic of an ever changing and developing small person. To relate to them we REALLY need to focus on developing our skills in understanding our children and being able to communicate our love, hopes and fears, and our values to them so that they can communicate them back to us.
That’s my recipe for great parenting.
Oh, and I thought you might like to see a picture from ourday out last weekend at theGoodwood Revival – all dressed up in fifties gear!
Pre-Order Brilliant Parent!
