So yesterday we braved the cold and the ice and went half way to Bournemouth to a shopping centre to get a few bits and pieces. We stopped for a hot chocolate, as you do, only to find that all the people who were at the shopping centre had the same idea and there were no tables apart from a table for four with one lady sitting at it reading a book. (Yes, I do find that very annoying!) Anyway, I got into the queue and asked the children to go and ask the lady if we could share her table, or at the very least ask if we could take the chairs to a table with no chairs. Would they do it? Absolutely not. During the ten minutes in the queue we missed about 4 tables because they didn’t want to ask anyone anything!

Of course we teach our children to avoid talking to strangers and I’m sure that contributes to their reticence, but there comes a time when they need to be able to confidently and politely speak to a stranger in a safe environment like a coffee shop, with their mother standing six feet away. The irony is that Tim (husband) and I are currently completing writing a book on social confidence for adults. Yesterday reminded me just how important it is to teach our children social confidence too.

What I need to do, as always, is find out what stopped them from wanting to make requests of strangers. Again, as always, they know how to ask questions and be polite, so what is stopping them in the moment?  How were they thinking about themselves and others that led to them feeling less than confident?  When I know the answer to that – only then can I help them to think differently.

Here’s what he had to say……

I am happy to say that the majority of students (about 40 young men and women) found it very interesting and useful and asked great questions.  They were polite and engaging and were clearly going to practise what I had taught them.

But there were a few, interestingly only young men, who behaved in such a way that I can only guess that they either have so little awareness that they don’t realise how others see them or they have such high opinions of themselves that even basic manners are not necessary for them.

One young man in the group sat with his feet up on the back of the chair in front of him with a newspaper on his lap which he read or glanced at for much of the time I was there.  It was obvious that I could see him doing it as, indeed could his tutor.  I don’t care if I was taking a session on “watching paint dry”, his behaviour was simply rude.  What exactly made him think it was ok?

I met a lot of very arrogant young men who were at Public School when I was at school, but that was in the early 80’s and we were all given the message that we were in the top 1% of the country and therefore could do anything.  Well – life isn’t like that and the world does not owe anyone a living.

I really thought private education had moved on and, although clearly privileged, that sort of arrogance wasn’t as prevalent now.  The teacher and I talked about it at length.  He too found it an uphill struggle to help some of these young people find the balance between confidence and arrogance. It begins at home with learning good manners and being polite to whoever is infront of you.

The irony of course is that Oxbridge interviewers are looking for teachability, enthusiasm and openness to learning.  Arrogance isn’t on their list.

What is your version of the relationship you want with your children?  One way to think differently about this whole thing is to consider the word “relationship”. We talk about relationships as if they are not only static but also are separate from us – like an entity all of their own.   A relationship.  It’s not a thing is it?  It is a process – the process of relating to another person, in this case your child.  It is a dynamic process too – that is; ever changing.  What we say one day to our growing child will be fine one day and not the next.  Crikey it’s hard enough sometimes with adults, without  the added dynamic of an ever changing and developing small person.  To relate to them we REALLY need to focus on developing our skills in understanding our children and being able to communicate our love, hopes and fears, and our values to them so that they can communicate them back to us.

That’s my recipe for great parenting.

Oh, and I thought you might like to see a picture from ourday out last weekend at theGoodwood Revival – all dressed up in fifties gear!

Also in that category are these questions that I have faced:

“I know how babies get out but how do they get IN?”
“When does the baby know to start growing?”
“Is making a baby really disgusting Mummy – you poor thing?!” 

There was a new survey out this week about the most difficult questions asked by children.  There was  an article in the Daily Telegraph and coverage on the BBC.  Essentially, the survey included questions that were science-based and therefore simply stump parents, because we don’t know how to answer them, like: “Why is the sky blue?”  These “difficult” questions actually fit into two categories:

1)  Questions that you can’t answer because you don’t KNOW the answer and
2) Questions that you don’t WANT to answer because they are embarrassing or age-inappropriate.  

I remember my poor mother trying to answer “What’s a prostitute?” when I was about 10.  (I don’t think she would want to tell me now if the truth be known!)  Only last week, Tom (11) was leafing through a newspaper when we were on holiday and came across a survey in the women’s section of the newspaper.  He and his friend Ella (also 11) clearly spent some time reading the survey as we were asked, over breakfast, “How many times a year do you make love?”  I nearly choked on my croissant, and Ella (being a girl and a bit more savvy on what to ask your parents and what not to ask them) sat with her very red face firmly in her hands.  Oh my Lord, how to answer that, or not answer it. 

I spluttered through “Why do you want to know, some things are private, it’s not important, ask your father……”, but would he let it lie – he was determined to get an answer.  He told us that the average for married couples was 98 (98?!?!) and what was our number?  He even told us kindly that he “wouldn’t mind” what the answer was.  The truth is that I don’t think he knows what it all means, hence his lack of embarrassment in comparison to Ella’s.  I think we got away with it!

Actually, I am usually very good about answering questions that are awkward.  My rules for awkward questions are:

1) Be truthful.

2) Only tell them as much as their question requires and no more.

3) Try not to look embarrassed or awkward – they are not trying to embarrass you.

4) Make it clear that if they don’t understand something, they can ask you and you will give them an honest answer.

And as for the other type of difficult question?  Spend some time together finding out.  Children need to know how to discover things for themselves and it’s good to know that Mum and Dad don’t know everything.

I am a very optimistic person and I still feel knocked sideways every now and then by the negativity around.  In fact a friend of mine laughed a great deal when the words “we are lucky the recession hit us so early” left my lips!  “Is there no end to your optimism?!” she asked through the laughter.  I do hope not.

So what do I mean by positive thinking?  What I mean is that we need to think about what we do want, not what we don’t want.  For those of you who know me and have read my books, you know that I bang on about this in relation to communication (we are understood much more effectively and our children are much more likely to comply with our wishes if we tell them what we WANT them to do, rather than what we DON’T WANT them to do).

Thinking about what we do want has far greater implications than just communication.   In our NLP workshops we teach people that you get what you focus on.  Our thoughts act as instructions to our minds and bodies.  Have you ever noticed that if you are getting a new car you suddenly see the one you want everywhere?  The point is that when we think about something we focus our attention on it and all our unconscious energy goes into noticing ways of getting it.

When I was a about 15 years old, we were on holiday in Majorca with some family friends.  I was swimming out in the calm water with the mother of the other family when she turned to me and said, “You know Emma, I admire the way that you are single minded about knowing what you want and then getting it”.  I had no awareness at all that I was in any way single minded and certainly didn’t know WHAT I did that meant that I achieved what I wanted to.   Have you ever known that you wanted something and there was absolutely no doubt in your mind that you would get it?  It may have been a small thing and it may have been something huge.  My husband absolutely knew that he was going to get in to RADA to train to be an actor and despite incredible competition, got in.  He never doubted it.  I knew what secondary school I wanted to go to, and there was no doubt in my mind that I would end up there even though there wasn’t a place for me until two weeks before term started.  I didn’t doubt it.

Positive thinking produces positive results.  If we set ourselves up to get what we want, we will work hard and notice the opportunities that are presented to us that lead us to our goal.  My 11 year old son is a very good example of the power of focus and lack of it!   All his teachers (yes ALL) find him extraordinarily frustrating because he loses focus so regularly.  The recent result of which was a shock for him in the form of very poor exam results.  It’s a very different story when he DECIDES that he wants something.  Oh yes, what a different story; the surprise winner of two competitions (not a surprise for him because he knew he was going to win).

Here’s how to teach your children to think positively and get what they want in their lives:

1     Visualise already having or achieving what you want.

You may realise now, that if you have ever known that you were going to achieve something and there was no doubt, you will have imagined having achieved it over and over again before it came true for you.  I remember writing the address of the school I wanted to go to over and over again and pinning it up in my bedroom.  I imagined myself wearing the uniform and walking around the school.

A fun way to visualise is to keep a “Dream” book.  I bought my two children an A4 plain paper sketch book this holidays.  In it they have put pictures of all the things they want to have and achieve.  It’s very interesting what they choose to put in it – we have a range from “a barbeque on my birthday” to “when I leave Oxford University I will travel round Australia” (she’s 9).  I have learned a great deal about what they both want from life and how they go about it.  We had a lot of fun creating them and looking at them every day is motivating.

2     Help them to believe that it CAN happen

Always encourage them to believe in possibility.  Help them to think beyond “I can’t” by asking them: “What would happen if you could?”

3     Encourage them to take the actions that they need to take to live their dreams.

I realise that there is a huge market in “Law of Attraction” products.   They give the impression that all you do is think about something, sit around and it lands in your lap.  It is likely that the Law of Attraction works precisely because your thoughts focus your actions and positive people attract other positive people.   I doubt Napoleon Hill’s best selling book “Think and Grow Rich” would have sold as many if it were called “Think, Do Something and Grow Rich”!

On the other hand……….We were recently disappointed because we were going to have two days cut off the front of our holiday next week.  The people who are staying in the house are moving into a new house and all sorts of building work had gone wrong which meant they couldn’t move out until Monday, so we would miss the weekend with our friends who we had invited to go with us.  When I broke the news to the children, a tearful Hannah said to me, “I thought you were teaching us to think positively – so why are you telling us we won’t be able to go?” I explained that it was a fact that they couldn’t get out and there was nothing we could do about it.

She refused to accept that we wouldn’t be there this weekend.

I have just had a phonecall saying that they will, against the odds, be moving out in time for Saturday…………

What have we all got in common with Michael Jackson?  We will all leave some kind of legacy, memories in the minds of people we have touched.

I wonder how much time we spend asking ourselves how we want to be remembered or whether we are happy to leave it to chance.   Every time someone high profile dies suddenly, particularly a megastar like Michael Jackson, the event sends shockwaves through nations.  We can all remember where we were when Princess Diana died.

When was the last time you thought about how you want people and particularly your children to remember you?

Let’s not get too maudlin; we can, if we prefer, focus on how we want our children to remember our parenting of them and how we want our relationship to be with them when they are adults.

What do you want them to say about you when they have left home?  What hopes, dreams, fears will you have been through with them?  What will they have learned from you about ways of being in the world, or what’s important in their lives?

Thinking about the future like this helps focus our actions today.  What do YOU want in your life that you haven’t achieved yet?  What do you want you children to proud of you for?  It may be climbing Kilimanjo (I have four friends doing this challenge this year!), it may be starting a business, writing a book, learning the piano.  What ever it is, take action.

What are you teaching your children through your actions right now?  Don’t wait another minute.  Do everything you do with purpose and make every minute count.